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Life Of A Banter #6: Memoirs Of An Ex-Lagosian (3) – Suspenders!

Lekki Ikoyi Link Bridge
Photography by Sunnydays Photography

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde

The most popular statement you might hear as a corps member in the civil service is “you people don’t do anything; you practically just lazy around”. A big part of this statement is not true – we have jobs we do and lazing around is part of the job! We did not draft the constitution.

READ ALSO: LIFE OF A BANTER #5: MEMOIRS OF AN EX-LAGOSIAN (2) – THIS MEANS WAR!

Working at Alausa was an interesting time; from the first day our letters were signed and we were posted to various departments, I knew I was in for a joyride. This is because on the very first day after travelling to Mowe and back, I arrived at the office at 10 worried I was probably late, got to the secretary’s office, she looked at her wristwatch, glanced at where I was standing and said “corper, you are early oh! na so you like work reach?”

Wait…what?

Long story short, I closed from work two hours later. Do you see why I loved my job?

FOR THE LOVE OF BANTS: MISCONSTRUED – A SHORT STORY ABOUT MEN BEING SCUM

My department definitely had the most hardworking set of corps members in the whole office; why else would our director hold two hour long meetings every day and end each meeting with “the day I will descend on all of you in this office is coming”. That day eventually came, but I was innocent (yeah right). In my defence, my department was the powerhouse of the whole building; being the state information centre, so there was work and a lot of it.

anticipation popcorn GIF

FOR THE ‘NOT SO LAZY’ YOUTHS: CROWN FEATURE: MEET FISAYO FOSUDO – THE FUTURISTIC VISUAL STORYTELLER

As the only male in the department, I was whatever anyone needed me to be. I was the vendor, the ‘help me go to bank’ guy, the ‘help me get something from Shoprite’ guy, the ‘come and carry this table downstairs’ man, the ‘complete these assignments and type them out’ prodigy. I was recognised as the olórí ebí of all corps members in my department. How sweet.

the proud family hate GIF

SOMEONE ORDERED A PICK ME UP: WHEN YOU ARE BEAT DOWN

The habit of going to work early was short-lived after the first two months of faithful service and hanging out with the likes of Nase, Rias and other suspects. I began to arrive late to the office, but I always made up for it by leaving early and it wasn’t just me. However, because I was the only male, they poured it on me- typical. Struggling with Lagos traffic every day only to get to the office and receive a two hours’ lecture and spend the rest of the day dodging those hunting for a vendor wasn’t the ideal type of enjoyment I thought being a civil servant will give me.

tired over it GIF by Desus & Mero

STILL ON PICK ME UPS: GIVE FLYING A TEST RUN

The day the director finally descended on us came and I wasn’t sad it came when it did. Truth be told, it was long overdue and I was just upset that I was innocent. I came down from what was one of my most horrific traffic experiences in Eko on a Monday morning. As I passed the gate and started heading to the reception, I saw my colleagues seated all together close to the staff cafeteria eating Suya in the morning on a Monday! I wasn’t surprised (they were probably running away from the Monday newspaper distribution going on in the office) so I walked up to them and asked what was going on. Nase looked at me and in a jubilant voice, she screamed Guy! Oga has suspended us! He said he doesn’t want to see us in the office until further notice; come and eat Suya!”

black ink crew lol GIF by VH1

NOW I’M HUNGRY!: ON BEING A FOODIE AND ENJOYING A NEW POT

Here I was, after crossing seven mountains and seven seas (all ably represented by Lagos traffic) all to find out that I’ve been suspended. I wasn’t angry I was suspended, at least the whole squad was thrown out (squad goals), I was upset the suspension didn’t meet me at home. Now I’m expected to cross the same seven mountains and seas to go back home? Never again! I untucked my shirt, sat down with the gang and collected that Suya. My plan was simple – when he recalls us, I will then suspend him from seeing me till I pass out. Everybody wins.

the daily show smile GIF by The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

IN HINDSIGHT…: VICTORIA BECKHAM’S LETTER TO HER 18 YEAR OLD SELF

Eko! Let’s just say I’ve equalised. Lag 2-2 Nuel.

 – Nuel
Twitter: @amcalled_nuel
Instagram: @amcalled_nuel
Email: [email protected]

#StayCrowned⚜

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Word on the street is I write, then I think. Not the other way around. This is the secret life of a genius. You're welcome!

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2 thoughts on “Life Of A Banter #6: Memoirs Of An Ex-Lagosian (3) – Suspenders!

  1. Damola

    God knows I enjoy reading this column🤣😂😂🤣

  2. Josh

    The most popular statement you might hear as a corps member in the civil service is “you people don’t do anything; you practically just lazy around”. A big part of this statement is not true – we have jobs we do and lazing around is part of the job! We did not draft the constitution 🤣😂😂🤣

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